Don’t Take it Personally

When young children are working through who they are as individuals and how they fit into a community of other people (family, classroom, etc. ), they may be exhibiting behaviors that feel challenging to the adults.  

Why does this happen?  One reason, perhaps, is because the expectations are not developmentally appropriate for the age or stage of development that the child is experiencing.

If the expectations don't match the developmental stage, then children often choose to either push back or retreat.   

When children push back on the limits, boundaries, or expectations, it may feel personal to the adult.   But, it is NOT personal.  It is simply the child trying to figure things out, assert their independence, or express an emotion unrelated to the request (I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm having fun and don't want to leave, I'm trying to finish this.).

When these conflicts occur it often may feel like a "battle".  This does not feel good for either the adult or the child. For example: On most weather days, it doesn't matter whether or not a child is wearing shoes or a coat.  You have probably heard the expression "Pick Your Battles." Draw the line when the request relates to safety, health, or extreme risk. Try to respond in a calm and unemotional manner.

If your child is pushing back on a request...STOP and consider your child's perspective - try to "hear" what your child is "saying" through their actions.  Acknowledge their feelings and thoughts and restate the request or redirect, if needed.

Consider whether you could word the request or boundary differently.   Transition times can be "tricky" because there are often "lots of moving parts". - instead of "Put on your shoes!...try "Do you want to put on one shoe or both shoes?" or "You can't put on your shoes by yourself , can you?...show me?" or "Do you want to put on your shoes or your shoes and your coat?"  or "Let's see who can get ready fastest (or by the end of the song)" or sing a song or use a phrase like "That was fun, but now we are done."   

Offer help "Let me know if you need help?" 

So yes, set limits or boundaries and be consistent, but ALSO understand that young children's brains have not developed enough to comprehend or "see" or navigate the world the way that adults are capable of.  They don't have the executive functioning or self-regulation skills that many adults possess.

Consider whether the child is capable of what you are requesting

Give two choices that you can live with, that also lets the child make the decision (have the control).  

Or find a strategy that is motivational for the child.

Plan for the time it will take to complete a task.

Of course, there will be times when the rule or boundary is in place for safety or health reasons, so choices are limited.  In those circumstances, you can use a phrase like "I'm worried that if you do....this will happen...so our safety rule is....

Ex. Looking both ways before walking in the street. 

Last, give yourself some grace. We all have days when we are not at our best or wish we had handled a situation differently.  It is okay. Kids are pretty  resilient, if we allow them to be.

I hope these thoughts are helpful,